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i have been meaning to blog but my mind has been set astray everytime i find myself on the computer, then my fresh thoughts i've been planning to write down, for pure clarification on my part indeed, has just been set off kilter, awash the waves of my constantly in motion sea of consumption.
hmm...im not sure if that made sense but it does in my head...
so here is some excerpts from things i wrote while being on the rooftop of this beverly hills address, sitting by the pool during sunset...oh by the way, i just HAVE to describe the calming simplicity of just leaving the gym refreshed and energized last night.
so i met lauren at the sports club in LA, we got our lockers. i feel a little indifferent sometimes, but i will explain that later. i will howevor, manage to say that i can most definately, if not fake at times, project confidence and a serious tone. howevor, i get obstructed on a different path and all my insecurities replenish and stay bubbling on the top of my ocean. that is when i come off as a silly, confused, ditzy girl. which i am not...ugh!!!
anyways, makes me think of that song, if you check out shannans my space page (haha!) she relates herself as a , basically, a bitch, im a mother, a lover, a bla bla bla..whatever she says, like she inadvertantly got inspired by that meredith brooks song titled 'bitch' i do believe...

HAVE TO EDIT I FORGOT TO EXPLAIN LEAVING GYM!!!!
so i ran, i ran so far away,,,"grand theft auto song! YAY!!!!" ok run on tread..feels good! ha!! anyways...some abs and shoulder press this and that...after go to steam room! nice! yoga music and lavender aromatherapy. 15 minutes spent..refreshing shower afterwards, then change into my comfy lovely armani torn jeans i so love, with a regular shirt you know. i felt like me! GOOD! i like to feel like me!!! so we walk to this place called The Farm...everyone i aol told laughed when i said where we went to eat..."sounds kinky" amongst one of the comments...anyways, it was nice we sat outside, which i adore, had ceasar salad, which she wanted i wanted greens, but like, we also split margharite pizza and i had tea. now, it felt so good! ha ha! i said, now...before i made that statement. no but for real, it just felt so relaxed and great. i always pass those outdoor cafe fancy restaurant things on the surreal streets of rodeo etc..always wanted to eat like that, i dont want to be the underdressed no makeup no shower no put together rushing person i feel i am when i try to walk somewhere...oh what am i talking about?

anyways, just felt really good! thats all now back to the show:




so this is whta i wrote from the roof:
"when will i start experiencing life again? granted, i have been to amazing ((does granted fit? oh well!_) places this past year. i have been to the social elite new york scene, grand cities, beautiful mansions, film festivals, red carpet events, premier launch parties; the floors of Taj Mahal; Sin city itself, plus dozens of photo and publicity opps. i have been around celebrities and wealthy important influential (bigwigs? couldnt think of a word). i have seen dozens of meetings and rode in plenty of limos..
I am grateful for all i have and still will allow myself to continue to have ((i just added that part)), but when am i going to feel free? there is not room and time for complaints, but often i feel overlooked and overwhelmed. its not that i cannot handle situations. i can handle anyting! i am not afraid! i live life and see things with a touch of humor and light. and anand well, he does know how to make me feel lost and like, whatever..see now i am complaining which i do not feel like doing . i do not feel like going into detail of how assumed responsiblity and any sort of hindrance towards it will make one hooked, loving the feeling of being in charge, power..of how a simple nod of approval can make a young girl feel more 'oblivent" -i made that up...to more..even i, i like when i get that nod too....hurry and publish!!!
but oblivious to the fact of being alive in the moment. while yes it certainly is great to learn, absorb, listen, humble distinction, do not forget to enjoy what you are experiencing. relish in those heart beating moments!!! wow
ok so thats not word for word..but i do have some opinions i want to nonchalatenly address....
ever see the devil wears prada? hmm...i got to catch that movie...

so today i actually felt confident and normal, walking to bristol farms to get some grub! haha! see, i put my white jeans on, i was showered, and i was laughing out loud while talking to goofy friend jen, who just had her baby. i felt like i do back at home.
quote"so much more confident, then say, walking with a young fresh face who wants to make herself sometihng in this life. not to say thats wrong becaust that is the same exact way i feel...
i am strong, determined, wise, passionate, and intuitevly respondant to my surroundings. i have way more great qualities about myself than a limited great sense of direction and loyalty, although why throw it in your face? the thing is..."yet i still have the problem when other indivual 'forces!' throw ammends towards me, i end up feeling like a lost, confused insecure little girl......wandering the harsh glares of a big time city corporation whatever you want to call it... how can i change that? how can i not allow the ways of others to affect me in where i feel that way. i believe in listening and learning process..OH NO! i missed some key sentences i wanted to write.oh no i didnt

"okay, "I am humble and i know how to listen and do as told (a trait i think i learned in the ARMY) i do things in a dignified manner. i am a multi-tasker, creative...had to add that sorry...
i do not subject myself to appearing young and silly, i speak in respectable tone of voice when it comes to professionalism. i can do that.
The thing is, while i trust in all that is going on, there is still a level of uncertainty and confusion and unclarity which needs to be addressed.

ok, also, i understand how anand and people higher up on this level, yeah you know what i mean...anyways, i do understand how they think. i think the same way...to a certain degree of course since i still am my own person, Lori Brown!!! ((GOOGLE SEARCH FOUND ME!?!! HUH!!!!)
indivuality is what makes a person...so lauren expects me to (not to drag her into this but OH THE FREAK WELL!!!) play the same game of , whatever she does, the whole hard worker dedication so it is beneficial towards her which is good you go girl! um...i say anands relationship with her is fundamentally advising her to be the best she can. like i said, i am pretty intuitivelly respondant in the way i need to be, of course there is always room for adjustment..
i was going to write more, more on las vegas..etc etc but i really dont feel the need to now. its not fresh in my memory and i am just happy to have written what i did..oh but sometimes i am a little foot in mouth or i get misunderstood sometimes, with lack of sleep or being around people i dont necesarily agree with, my focus subsides and i do get confused..something i need to work on indivually i know. i do not want for other people to determine how i feel. if you can help me with that, you know where to find me...why, my myspace is myspace.lula something or other i forget...my eyes are not doing g ood staring at a brigh t screen and no lights around except for one in the next room. intern brittney did a good job on her search / quest for lights in this anand jon nest